Giving up Control

I often think about the image of a home where every room is open for guests, yet one door remains firmly locked. We might tell ourselves that what happens behind that door is private, but eventually, the lack of light from that room begins to affect the atmosphere of the house. When I withhold parts of myself from God, specifically my need for control and my habit of prioritizing everyone’s needs above my own, it eventually leaks out into my life and ministry.

People see it most clearly in my pacing. When I am gripping my "to-do" list too tightly, I become a version of myself that is physically present but mentally miles away. My anxiety becomes a visible weight. Because I often care more about others' needs than my own, I tend to over-function. Others notice this in a hurried tone or a weary spirit. Instead of the peace that should define a life surrendered to Christ, they see someone burdened by the false belief that I have to carry the world on my shoulders. 

This became clearer during my journaling practice this week. I found myself most challenged by the question of why I fear giving my life completely to God. I realized that my reluctance to sit down and write was a revelation. I didn’t want to complete the practice because it required me to stop "doing" for others and start "being" with God. 

The heavy burden of staying in control is a lonely one. When I try to manage every responsibility and person on my own, I am essentially telling those around me, and God, that I don't trust Him to care for me the way I try to care for everyone else. Surrender means believing that God’s grace is for me, too, and that I can put the work down to simply rest in His presence.